Archives

The sphinx cat didn’t appear on the scene until 1966, popping up, I think, in Canada.  I’m also thinking nuclear radiation and the chapter that was nixed from James Harriot’s All Creatures Great and Small, where the young doctor encounters the ugly, hairless cat and has his belief in God questioned beyond all reason.

I popped up, I think, in 1961 somewhere in Minnesota.  Only a stones throw away from the birthplace of the hairless sphinx cat.  This makes me not only geographically related to the sphinx, but also mathematically older.  Older, of course, meaning wiser, making me, by default, a sphinx cat expert.

So it is with confidence that I reveal the startling similarities that I have found to exist between this odd creature and the equally odd creature - the human male.

My comparison is based on judging standards pulled straight from the pages of The Cat Fanciers’ Association webpage.  I make nothing up.  The only notable difference, it would seem, between the hairless sphinx and men would be the tail.  But then of course, suitable substitutions can easily be made.

So you be the judge.  Man or Sphinx?  Can you tell the difference?

HEAD:
The head is slightly longer than it is wide, with prominent cheekbones and a distinctive whisker break. The skull is slightly rounded with a flat plane in front of the ears. The nose is straight and there is a slight to moderate palpable stop at the bridge of the nose.

CHEEKS AND CHEEKBONES:
Prominent, rounded cheekbones which define the eye and form a curve above the whisker break.

MUZZLE AND CHIN:
Whisker break with prominent whisker pads. Strong, well developed chin forming perpendicular line with upper lip.

EARS:
Large to very large. Broad at the base, open and upright. When viewed from the front, the outer base of the ear should begin at the level of the eye, neither low set nor on top of the head.

EYES:
Large, lemon-shaped, with wide-open center while coming to a definite point on each side. Placement should be at a slight upward angle, aligning with the outer base of the ear. Eyes to be wide set apart with the distance between the eyes being a minimum of one eye width. Eye color immaterial.

BODY:
The body is medium length, hard and muscular with broad rounded chest and full round abdomen. The rump is well rounded and muscular.

NECK:
The neck is medium in length, rounded, well muscled, with a slight arch. Allowance to be made for heavy musculature in adult males.

LEGS AND FEET:
Legs are medium in proportion to the body. They are sturdy and well muscled.

TAIL:
Slender, flexible, and long while maintaining proportion to body length. Whip-like, tapering to a fine point.

COAT/SKIN:
The appearance is one of hairlessness. However, short, fine hair may be present on the feet, outer edges of the ears, the tail, and the scrotum. The bridge of the nose should be normally coated. The remainder of the body can range from completely hairless to a covering of soft peach-like fuzz, no longer than 1/8th of an inch (two millimeters) in length.

COLOR:
Color and pattern are difficult to distinguish and should not affect the judging. White lockets, buttons, or belly spots are allowed.

PENALIZE:
Hair other than described. Delicate or frail appearance. Thin abdomen, thin rump, or narrow chest. Bowed legs.

DISQUALIFY:
Kinked or abnormal tail. Structural abnormalities. Aggressive behavior endangering the judge.

All questions, comments, and opposing arguments will, of course, be entertained.  Curiously, I am not quite sure whether I myself would make a good hairless cat.

The beautiful thing with imaginary friends is that when they disappear for awhile, no one asks questions.  No one wonders where they’ve gone or when they’ll be back.  When an imaginary friend goes missing, it never becomes a federal case.

That’s the difference between imaginary friends and family.  With family, everything is a federal case.  There are no little problems.  No little disagreements, no little differences, no little solutions.  In a family, headaches hang on coat hooks just like hats, and everyone walking by is expected to reach out and grab one.  No one walks out the door without one.

Hey!  Hold on!  You forgot this!

What was I thinking?  Thanks.  Oh wait, I already have one.

That’s okay.  Have another.

Aspirin, it’s sometimes forgotten, was invented because of family. 

My own imaginary friend, Imaginary Keith, has been presiding over a Supreme Family case involving three goose eggs in an incubator.  Two African geese eggs, to be exact.  The proceedings seem to have gone on forever over the custody of the soon-to-hatch goslings, and until a decision is made, emotions in the courtroom run high.  It is almost positive that repurcussions from the decision will be felt for years, and Imaginary Keith’s head throbs from the hours and hours of arguments presented to him.  Every headache hat in the place has been taken off of its hook and pulled down tight onto his head. 

All eyes are on him as everyone anxiously awaits the exact moment his resolve will break.  Bets have been hedged.  Caution thrown to the wind.  Anything that will snap the old man.

Facts of the case (as Imaginary Keith understands them):

1. A certain person (Grammy) receives three unwanted African goose eggs from a friend.
2. Grammy then places the eggs in incubator, even though it is known she doesn’t want any geese.
3. Grammy begins the enticement of animal-lover grandson with stories of cute baby goslings.
4. Overly excited son pushes case quickly through wishy-washy Mother courts
5. Same son passionately argues goose egg case with Imaginary Keith
6. Imaginary Keith retreats to chambers in search of aspirin.
7. Imaginary Keith returns to court to deliver eloquent speech on family problems
8. Court is adjourned.  Further arguments are promised every 20 to 30 minutes until eggs hatch.  Fifteen minute spacing once hatched.

A reading from this morning’s goose egg hearing transcript reads:

Son: Dad, no one wants the geese except me.  African geese are very mean and lonely.  That’s why you have to have more then one.

Imaginary Keith: Why would you want three mean geese wandering around the farm?

Son: They wouldn’t be mean to me because I’d raise them.

Imaginary Keith: Here’s the deal.  Why do three goose eggs have to become my problem?
Imaginary Keith: Why would Grammy hatch three eggs that she doesn’t want?
Imaginary Keith: Why do I have to have the same discussion day after day about the same three eggs?

Son: Dad!  She saved them.  They’re eggs from a mom AND dad goose with babies already inside!  You can’t just throw eggs like that away.  You can’t just kill baby geese.

Imaginary Keith (losing ground): well, no, I suppose . . .

Son: Throwing those eggs away would be like standing around with a spear killing puppies.

Imaginary Keith: What?!

Son: You wouldn’t do that, would you?

Imaginary Keith: What?!

Son:  I didn’t think so.

Imaginary Keith: I really don’t think . . .

Son:  Approach the bench?

Imaginary Keith: You’re already leaning on it.  Let’s hear it.

Son:  Three geese dad.  Three little geese.  What’s the big deal?  And you don’t even live there, so I don’t see why . . .

Imaginary Keith: Careful.  I’m still the dad.  Remember that?

Son: Dad?

Imaginary Keith: Yes

Son:  Why are you wearing so many hats?

Imaginary Keith:  Recess!  Five minute recess!

It would appear I am much too busy for clear reflection.  But even busy people get hungry, so close your eyes and imagine me standing in the meat aisle of the local grocery store, face to face with a shelf of buffalo meat.  A sale: $5.49 per pound, wrapped up nicely in roughly one pound packages, which makes me think that this one buffalo would have served the entire population of almost every small town I ever lived in growing up.  This one buffalo would have made an entire week of lunches at every small little high school I ever attended.

It seems like one buffalo would fill a big void in anyone’s life.

But I’m not eating buffalo tonight.  I’m waiting for an Indian to shoot one and then hand me the heart so I can take a big bite and then pass it around with a bunch of new found friends.  You know, just like Kevin Costner did with the Indians in that movie where he danced around in the prairie all by himself.  Or maybe he danced with the Indians.  Or was it coyotes?  Oh yea, wolves.  Dances With Wolves. 

Well, I’m waiting for that kind of moment to eat buffalo.  A moment that will stand out.

And I already know that I don’t apply this same logic to the other kinds of animals I eat, so there is no need to brow beat me.  Just remember that life is filled with flawed logic, and that mine is no exception.

If someone could read your thoughts, would you be frightened?  If they knew you inside and out, would you think of them as a soul mate?

And does this mean that we refer to half-assed telepathic ability as love, but full-fledged telepathic ability as scary and just plain freaky?

Does this bother anyone other then me?

And I wonder how two telepathic people would argue.  Would any of us “normal” people even know, or would we just think it was a stare contest?